Updated: Jun 4, 2019
It was about 5 years ago, I was 38 having anxiety about turning 40, I was overweight and considering having weight loss surgery. I had already been through several surgeries within the span of 20 years - from cysts being removed from both armpits, a c-section and a hysterectomy - and I just really couldn’t bring myself to have another surgery.
The more that I considered - it I just couldn’t bring myself to even go to a consultation, because I knew without a doubt that my issue wasn’t with food but with what was going on inside of me. I mentioned to my best friend, Neca, that I was considering surgery and she suggested that I go see a therapist.
Listen, when you’ve known someone over 20 years and they suggest you see a therapist you drop everything and go!
But seriously, I remember our conversation like it was yesterday and I felt a sigh of relief immediately after she said it and within 2 weeks I was sitting in my new therapist’s office.
Well, let me say that now as a 43 year old woman - therapy has changed my entire life and it is the very best thing that I could have ever done for my mental well-being.
I have struggled with my weight for my entire life and have always held a condition over my head that I would be happy when I lost the weight. I always believed that I was less than because of my weight so when growing up I always did great in school and would be happy when people recognized me for my accomplishments.
Now, that I look back on it - school was something that I thought I could control but in all actuality it controlled me because there were requirements that had to be met in order for me to be successful.
...why couldn’t I require of myself the same discipline that I needed when someone else imposed them on me?
...why was I settling for mediocrity when it came to my physical health?
The biggest problem for me and my weight loss was again the need to be recognized by others for my accomplishments. You can only survive so long off of the false sense of security that the praises of human beings can bring.
To truly want more for myself I had to get to the root of it all and what I ultimately uncovered was that I didn’t love myself.
For years, I had been searching for something outside of myself when God had already given me everything that I needed. All these years he’s been saying to me that I love you and I am always here for you but his love wasn’t good enough for me.
I had not cultivated the relationship with God that I needed to really understand the magnitude of his love for me. For years, I’d been walking around hurt and confused from past hurt and trauma that killed my spirit because, it was too much for me to bear and in turn I used food and anger to mask it. However, what I thought went unseen was actually written all over my body because so many times I have lost the weight only to put it on again.
What is different about this time around is that my goals are different. Obviously, I would be lying if I said that I don’t want to look a certain way, yes that is a wonderful byproduct. But more important than that is that I am mentally healed of the pain that had caused me to remain in a constant state of survival.
Do I have struggles at times? Yes, but now because I realize the impact of what Jesus paid on that cross for me and how much he loves me....I now realize if he would do all that for me I must be really important to him. So you know what now I have to live like that! Perfectly imperfect to be used for his glory!
I’ve done a lot of work to get to a place where I no longer feel insecure and threatened. Make no mistake the enemy knows who I was created to be and this journey won’t be easy but my life is not my own, Jesus paid it all and all to him I owe!
I’m now on a journey to discover who I was truly created to be through faith, family and fitness.
Join me over on the “Forty is the End” podcast for the entire month of June as I discuss the steps I took to get from a place of surviving to thriving.
Thriving by His Grace,